Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Computer Intoxication

I've been incommunicado for the past several days and it is unsettling. I dislike being without email and my glimpses at the Sorrento Webcam. What am I to do with myself when I can't type out my next great article idea, or, heaven forbid, not read my favorite message board?

The current state of computer inaccessibility is due to the fact that my laptop was drinking and driving. While enroute to a friend's house for a blogette pow-wow, laptop on the seat next to me, I was also transporting for said friend a bottle of Limoncello. The bottle somehow became uncorked and the computer imbibed deeply of the bottle's contents. Unaccustomed to such boozy benders, it became greatly and quickly intoxicated and, like a common drunk, staggered and sputtered and then crashed to the depths of inebriation.

I began to feel something close to panic because my usual (free) source of tech support, my sister, is, quite inconveniently, on vacation in Montreal. We quickly sought computer advice from my friend's accommodating, if extremely weary, son in Australia. He cursed to the effect that this was a bad thing (probably also cursing because of the time difference and she likely woke him out of a deep sleep), told us to let the computer dry out and remove the battery. Oh, and don't try to start it while it's still wet. Oops, already did that.

At home, the bibber was opened up and allowed to sleep off the soaking. But, alas, the sticky nature of Limoncello ensured a good sugary coating and the computer still has lasting effects from its tipple.

Clearly, it was time for intervention. We consulted several professionals, none of whom wanted to take on the detox procedure because the computer is a Dell. We've called Dell, but they are unsure of what to do and told us to take the little lush to "any local repair shop". A catch-22. Obviously, it needs to be admitted to rehab. We continue the process of trying to find a willing and suitable inpatient treatment facility.

We don't know if there will be long-term consequences. The brain damage may be too extensive. Clearly, it doesn't compute to drink and c-drive.

copyright 2005 Valerie Schneider

Postscript: The kindly guys at Adobe Computer Repair took on the detox project and got the baby cleaned up. They said there was some damage to the components, but it was working for the moment. At least it buys me some time to copy out my files and shop for a new computer.


Lesser_Lumpkin said...

I was just flipping through blogs and came across your site. I must admit this is one of the best articles I've seen in a while. Absolutly cracked me up. However, I have some sad news. First your chances of getting anyone to try and repair that machine are on the far side of nil. I know. I've worked in the field for 6 years. Second your Australian friend was right and if you hit the power button while it was soaked chances are very very very good that you already fried most of your main components. Either way diagnosis is about the same. Buy a new machine. Still... Awesome article.

Dr. S said...

Oh, V, this is awful news! We should have called Scroop the Australian immediately (I can't even remember the prior train of events now). Is there positively no one who can or will help in your hour of need? I'll see if I can get anymore info.

Meanwhile, I agree with Lesser_Lumpkin, it's the best sad story I've read in ages.

scroop said...

A sad tale, to be true to be true. It's worth noting that I swore for several reasons.

1. I'm Australian, and it is in our nature to swear a little more than is appropriate. I'm working on fixing this in preparation for my eventual return to the civilised world.
2. I was indeed woken from a deep and satisfying slumber.
3. The wanton destruction of both a perfectly good (if a touch lush) laptop and a bottle of limoncello is enough to make any good citizen curse such a rotten chain of events - is it not?
4. The laptop was, as they say in the IT industry, totally fucked.

Alcohol: Tearing families apart and destroying notebook computers since cavemen walked the earth.

- Scroop the Australian

Dr. S said...